Notes from a Black Woman's Diary Read online

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Foreword by Danielle Evans

  Editor’s Note

  I. Stories

  “Scapegoat Child”

  “Nina Simone”

  “Raschida”

  II. Novel Excerpt: “Lollie”

  Excerpt from an Unfinished Novel: “Lollie: A Suburban Tale”

  III. Notes from a Black Woman’s Diary

  IV. Letters

  V. Plays

  The Brothers: A Tragedy in Three Acts

  Remembrance: A Play in One Act

  The Reading: A Play in One Act

  Begin the Beguine: A Play in One Act

  The Healing: A Play in One Act

  VI. Screenplays

  A Summer Diary

  Losing Ground

  A Note About the Author

  A Note About the Editor

  About the Author

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Foreword

  It is tempting to get out of the way and let a voice like Kathleen Collins’s introduce itself: start at the opening line “She came in while I was recording and asked to listen to every Nina Simone album in the house,” and it will likely be a very long time before you are willing to part with this book or be pulled away from the richness and sense of forward motion Collins puts on the page. Readers coming to this work familiar with Collins’s films or previously published work will already be aware of her many singular gifts; readers who are new to her work are lucky to begin discovering them here. This collection includes previously unpublished fiction, nonfiction, plays, and screenplays, including the screenplay for Collins’s important and celebrated film Losing Ground. It is an important text for scholars, artists, and any reader seeking the pleasure of discovering a distinct and profoundly important writer.

  I came to Collins’s work as a fiction writer preoccupied with interiority, namely the gulf between the public self and the private self that creates the narrative tension in every kind of story we might tell. Like Collins, I am specifically interested in the ways that this gulf is fraught or policed for black women, given the particular ways in which we are often silenced or misheard, the particular structural forces that may compel us to perform or acquiesce. To my mind then, the greatest marvel of Collins’s writing is that she is a magician in her use of interiority: she can slip just underneath a moment of tension barely noticed by those in the world of the story and give us a character’s entire interior life, but she is also a master of the moments when the interior becomes exterior, when all pretense drops away and the unsayable is given words and said out loud.

  It is a privilege to see this tremendous gift at work across multiple forms and genres. The distinct eye that audiences have for some time been able to see in her work as a director carries over into her work as a prose writer—she has a filmmaker’s instinct for when to pause the narrative, when to linger in a moment. The pleasure of seeing this sensibility at play in fiction is that readers can watch Collins inhabit the same moment from multiple perspectives and be dazzled, not only by her ability to know when to back up and show the scene again, but also by the sharp clarity of the voices she puts on the page and the way they layer a scene to make it feel new and more complete when revisited. It is rare for an artist to be so talented in forms that ask such different things, but it is a wonder to see them all in action.

  “One never talks out loud without wishing for an audience,” a character in one of Collins’s plays says, but this work understands how fraught and complicated the wish for an audience can be, how much ground can immediately be lost in the space between speaking and being heard. The question of what it means to have, to want, or to acknowledge an audience is explored with nuance throughout this text. Collins deftly portrays many of the ways in which black women can be at once watched and unseen, as well as the possibility of spaces to render a woman invisible and the hurt that engenders. Her exploration of the differences among being unabashedly yourself, performing a self, and reaching those alarming moments when the distinction is no longer quite so clear is sophisticated and provocative and as relevant today as it was when these stories were written.

  Collins understands acutely the forces that pressure African American characters toward what we now call “respectability politics,” and she renders with sympathy and gentle satire those characters who would enforce them, while freeing herself to let her own work ignore any constraints such politics would place upon it. “Colored people don’t talk about sex . . . you ever notice that . . . they are so exposed in this life they are unwilling to admit to further undressing . . .” one of Collins’s characters says, but the tender truth of this observation for some of her characters can coexist with frank discussion of sex from others. Collins isn’t afraid to put sex on the page, to let her characters be sensual, bawdy, and vulgar when they need to be. That willingness to let the characters she writes be exposed in all of their truths and desires, even as she understands the ways concealment can be a necessary survival strategy, is at the center of this work’s complexity and timelessness. These are the protagonists I wanted to be reading all my life: black women who are artists and intellectuals, both struggling and not; black families fumbling through the private truths of public grief; black women who chafe at the ways their proscribed paths would confine them, but are sometimes lonely in the alternative spaces they build, or daunted by the possibility of imagining them; black women willing to risk exposure, but still in search of those who are equally willing to really look at them. Collins is a writer who never flinches from the difficult things or from the most difficult version of the self.

  It is a marvel, too, to have access to not only Collins’s created worlds, but to some of her notes and letters, which give insight to her process and preoccupations. In “Notes from a Black Woman’s Diary,” after a candid and complicated note attempting to locate her project as an artist, Collins concludes, “Instead of dealing with race I went in search of love . . . and what I found was a very hungry colored lady.” That hunger to be loved—to be loved even while seeing clearly the ways in which love might be flimsy, or fleeting, or deceitful, or simply not, in the end, enough—is just beneath the surface of so much of this work. The love of not just romantic partners, but parents, stepparents, strangers who seem to see each other with a momentary clarity—these loves are illuminated here in writing willing to bring the reader to the center of the moments of connection and disconnection, of disappointment and wonder, that mark people and make them who they are.

  Later in her notes, Collins writes of a conversation after a friend’s husband’s suicide: “Death marks the end of living in the future.” It is hard to read her words about facing the loss of future possibilities without thinking about all the possibilities lost to her early death to cancer: what other work there might have been, what her longer presence with us as an artist and teacher would have meant to another generation of artists and readers. Mercifully, because we have so much of Collins’s previously unpublished work left to explore, it isn’t true in her case that death has kept her work from having a future or kept new readers from discovering its continuing possibilities. It is a joy to see this work brought into the growing canon of women’s voices we might have lost, and an honor to introduce it to a new audience.

  —Danielle Evans

  Editor’s Note

  My mother employed a few stylistic quirks that I was not comfortable editing out, which you will notice throughout your reading: she loved the ellipsis and was also fond of using boldface and underlining for certain words or phrases, presumably for emphasis.

  —Nina Lorez Collins
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  I

  Stories

  “Scapegoat Child”

  1

  In the crucible of our family my sister burned like molten steel. Once I saw her arms outspread her legs hanging limp and useless wet saliva dripping from her tongue. I screamed they surrounded her lifted her onto the sheets where she convulsed for hours traces of stain and guilt shattering her face my sister my sister cunning participant spectator victim inside the ugly family circle.

  Her name was Josephine. No shortening to a rounder, softer sound like Josie or Jo was ever allowed her name was Josephine. Wide eyes alert for trouble a mouth that protruded too far lips too full for comfort. A skinny knock-kneed girl who stared so hard one day her eyes crossed locked and the full lips took on a slight tremor.

  Her room was on the top floor a tiny place with a wooden ceiling that stared down at her. Yellow roses on her bedspread. A shiny dark floor at her feet. In the mornings she came to life early pounced awake before us ran to perch outside our door.

  Her thin little legs hop out of bed eyes crossed alert she slips down the stairs in the morning stillness. We are all asleep while she listens and waits. Who will greet her when the door opens who will smile give up the first of their morning love? Our father trips over her thin body on his way to the bathroom. Through the crack in the door she watches our slow momma fall on her knees to pray.

  She sits and waits. No one comes to lift her in their arms. The day is over. But tomorrow she will begin again, early early even earlier.

  At breakfast she will not eat. Her head falls back eyes disappear deep inside their sockets while we watch. An angry mob of three we watch and wait. Then she comes back slowly her head comes forward eyes slip back into place she giggles a silly burble that pushes her lips out too far. Then our father sends her reeling a hard slap with all his might until the burble is gone she sits staring cross-eyed at the three of us a twisted smile pushing out her lips.

  The day my father married my mother my sister was three years old. She trotted to the ceremony on skinny wings a beaky little bird pinned down by other memories, an earlier womb ancient kisses that sent her to bed and woke her up. Perched high on ancient shoulders she watched our father join himself to the pretty woman with the long old maid’s eyes the stiff cheeks and black hair piled high high high on her head. A balmy September day bright blue with trees and sky and little Josephine sitting atop her perch like a beaky bird sniffing the air for an old melody a plumper rounder mommy once a plumper rounder mommy who sat by a window and died just sat by a window and died.

  They lift her down she squeezes her skinny legs between our father’s tall unbending frame climbing frantically to reach his face seek one last embrace before this balmy day tramples her to death. I had a mommy once didn’t I have a mommy once. Nobody answers. The pretty lady with the black hair smiles a mute and frozen smile the skinny child is handed back to ancient arms that fold her one last time.

  There is a room that lives in her memory large and blue where someone comes in at night to read to her. There is a cozy chair thick with cushions beside an open window and a glass for her to fetch water for the woman in the cozy chair. There is someone who says her name Jo . . . se . . . phine it has a laugh in it warm eyes a lap rocking back and forth. There is . . . she sits up, spitefully awake a tiny hawk quivering on the edge of memory, where death confusion a host of uneasy comings and goings plague her, whispering women who stroked her hair a father with a shamed broken face a flight of steps she climbed on all fours nimbly up and down up and down she would not be still slipping in and out where grief reigned her shrill little arms hopping up and down.

  The lady with the black hair puts her to bed. Are you my new mommy she asks are you my new mommy while a wooden ceiling stares down at her yellow roses drift in and out the window she stares at the lady with the pretty cheeks are you my new mommy she asks and the lady frowns a scolding look comes into her eyes I’m your mommy she answers her cheeks are tight the eyes too round. The child will not be still she squirms in the cold bed you’re my new mommy she asks my new new mommy holding tight to the silent blue room the face that asks for a glass of water you’re my new mommy she squirms her shrill little body will not be still.

  2

  Over against this tale is another: about the pretty lady with the high cheekbones about the shamefaced man with the tall unbending frame about love and the acting out of only the rituals of love about loss and grief and the old maid’s eyes in the pretty woman’s face and the sense of shame in the tall man’s eyes. A family tale stretching its wiry elusive fingers backward and forward until it finally reaches out to the skinny little girl in her top-floor room.

  The pretty lady’s name is Letitia. She was thirty-eight when she came to mother the squirming child. Lace collars framed her round face with the too-round eyes her dresses were dark things that grated as she walked she had the bearing of a Sunday school teacher a rigidity that fluttered beneath the bright gracious smile the sweet voice that trilled up and down something stone-faced, an old maid’s current already fixed immutable behind the well-meaning smile.

  Letitia’s mother’s name was Sadie a big-boned woman with thick plaits hanging down her back silent eyes like an Indian’s. Her father’s name was Hood he drank too much spent years beside his spitoon chewing tobacco and shrinking further further inside a drunken shell. She had one sister, Lavinia, a tiny slice brittle to look at frail hysterical attached to Letitia like an ant to an oak tree.

  The tall unbending man is Roland. He was thirty-two to her thirty-eight. Six years balanced by grief a squirming child a newborn infant. Six years a distance held in check by his persuasive manner. He presented himself well handsome, strict in his bearing a strong argumentative tone in his voice. Beneath the smooth-riding surface was chaos pure unaccountable chaos a swarming beehive of fury and grief.

  His father’s name was Jeremy a nearsighted madman raging against his five sons storms that demolished the house scattered the children left a hollow wailing at the center of each of them. His mother, Ella, was a large woman with thick mahogany hair scooped tight in a bun. Stern, implacable, an immovable object at the center of Jeremy’s myopic lashings.

  All these folk are Negroes what dark brooding what hopeless feelings underpin the already cruel family landscape who can say but all these folk are Negroes.

  Death fits in the picture a handsome woman with no trace of sternness a cool smile on her lips and brow death fits in the picture the abrupt cessation of a sweet potent struggle with life death fits in the picture and a momma a momma God in Heaven bless the seamless connection of a momma.

  3

  It’s Josephine we chose to carry our wounds grow cross-eyed burbled confused pins sticking out from all sides it’s Josephine we chose with her shrill cries and gestures her convulsive goings-on it’s Josephine we chose.

  Wound tighter than a drum beating the air with her fists she screams for our father Daddy she screams I don’t want to take a nap don’t make me take a nap a hollow flapping of wings to beat away his absence beat away the round eyes that stare and wait I don’t want to take a nap she screams her little wings convulse out of one crossed eye she watches I don’t want to take a nap she screams the round eyes turn to stone only pain is left she wishes she could be still only pain is left she wishes she could be still.

  Instead she yelps flaps her wings ceremonies dance in her head Letitia becomes the injured party.

  The house is quiet sunlight wanders in and out the baby sleeps. Josephine climbs out of bed to watch it this tiny thing silent and still she takes its hand its little fingers move back and forth she touches its face the little eyes do not open she climbs into the crib nestles her squirming body beside the still flesh free of memory and sleeps.

  Who watches over a new lady in stiff dresses pretty red lips round eyes dim and lackluster she moves from room to room up and down the corridors of a new house broken off from the past. A new lady watches over unaccustomed to chil
dren to our father’s boisterous presence to strange rooms free of Sadie and Hood. A new lady watches over a thin grating when she walks a sweetened whisper when she talks a new lady watches over dull patina for our glossy hysteria.

  The house is quiet. Josephine sleeps beside the still baby, Letitia sits crocheting in the afternoon sun. The front door opens before he can cross the threshold Josephine comes to life slips screaming down the stairs into his arms. Roland looks. Letitia comes to the doorway. The child begins to do things her eyes begin to roll her head bobs back and forth the child begins to do things. Roland looks. Letitia stands in the doorway. The child keeps doing things sticks out her tongue shrieks and quivers like a useless monkey the child keeps doing things. Roland looks. Letitia stands in the doorway. The child keeps doing things sticks out her tongue shrieks and quivers like a useless monkey the child keeps doing things. Roland looks. Letitia stands in the doorway. The child keeps doing things a tiny cauldron growing bright before their eyes Roland reaches out lifts her in his arms carries her up to her room. The baby is awake he shuts the door sits down on the yellow roses begins to speak a mother was needed a mother his face crumples guilt and grief control him a mother was needed a mother he begins to cry. The room is still Josephine stops her squirming, at ease at last behind the closed door, drifting inside his familiar smell of grief and misunderstanding at ease at last in this petrified place where just the three of them may go only the three of them may go.

  4

  Wounded in her body she carried our pain wars were fought a bloody field emerged wounded in her body she carried our pain darting in and out of the shadows like a small soldier.

  Nothing grew between Letitia and Roland. Walls went up the house locked from the inside nothing moved. All motion came from Josephine. Thumb stuck to her lips her body twitching all motion came from Josephine.